Over the years I have known many folks who can repair / replace things which have ceased to function. Cars, a backyard patio, kitchen cabinets, a misbehaving washer or dryer, a leaky toilet. These are the folks we call “handy”, as in, good with one’s hands. I admire such people, as I admire the great writer, engineer, musician, or athlete.
I admire them from afar because I seem to be missing the specific genetic marker to fix things. My attempts are legion and may be found in the bestseller, “Don’t Do It Yourself: A Manual For The Unruly”. I often leave things in far worse condition than when I started, prompting a call to the professionals who will glance briefly at the detritus and shake their head in disbelief. I am EntropyMan, Master of Chaos.
Consider my recent attempt to repair a leaky kitchen faucet. This is a standard do-it-yourself thing and one that everyone can relate to. Because it is so common, there are helpful YouTube videos to walk you through the process. Duck soup, piece of cake, ipso facto, e pluribus unum, you mutter to yourself as you channel the Roman Empire, an empire I remind you that was able to engineer the aqueducts, but collapsed when faced with o-rings, flanges and aerators.
It begins. Everything goes well, just as YouTubeMan says it would until I get to the part where he says, “now remove the handle from the stem. Do so by loosening the hexagonal nut using an allen wrench, like so.” However on MY faucet, the silly little hex nut is frozen, locked in place and refuses to budge regardless of how much pressure I apply. I mean the hex nut might as well have been welded to the handle. I use grease, WD-40, a fusion reactor, but nothing. I look to the sky and sense Larry, the God of Faucets, chortling. Undeterred, I try and try until THERE, it moved! Oh wait, I have stripped the nut so that plan is now in ruins. I search for a YouTube video entitled, “So, You Have Stripped a Hex Nut, You Fool”. Mr Allen Wrench will NOT be pleased.
Months have passed and the faucet remains inert. I glare at it sometimes as I walk by, reminding it that this is far from over and that I have not forgotten. Oh no, I have not.
Tonight’s dinner will be duck soup or perhaps cake, just to remind myself that such things do, in fact, exist.
whoisfenton 